Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
