I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
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I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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