dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
