where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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