Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Actions speak louder than pants.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
