Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
