the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
