it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
