saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
