please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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