??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
