guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
