I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
