we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
