I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
