Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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