She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
