I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
