my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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