Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
