A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
