Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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