Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
