Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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