I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
