I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
