so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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