whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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