Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
