Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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