i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
