You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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