I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
