i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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