Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just had sex on a roof
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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