remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize