I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
