The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
