Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
