I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
