I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
