i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
