She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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