Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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