I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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