I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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