Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize