He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
