Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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