Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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