He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
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Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize