Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
