She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
