I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
