By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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