You smell like a Billy Joel song
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
