He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
